


Grayscale

by AcousticStorm



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 22:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6212755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcousticStorm/pseuds/AcousticStorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, it doesn't come down to love versus not love. It comes down to more variables, all the baggage behind, and when you see in black and white, you can't paint with colours.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grayscale

Two weeks after, the heartbreak didn’t show any signs of fading. They were not okay, not by far, and his parabatai rune ached sometimes, straining to keep their bond alive. That morning, at breakfast, Alec had hit his shoulder hard while he reached for his cereal, every move they made against each other feeling out of sync and forced. Jace had never felt relieved to be out of Alec’s presence before, scared of the relief he felt when he got out of that feeling of suffocation that surrounded both of them when they were next to each other.

He didn’t manage to fall asleep the whole night before the wedding, and in the end, the guilt had won over the whirlwind of emotions. It wouldn’t be fair to let him get _married_ because of feelings that were Jace's fault. The normal him would have banged on the door and demanded answer long before, but for once, his confidence and his brash demeanor stood hidden somewhere, and he knocked softly on the door, waiting for the familiar “Come in” before opening the door.

The feelings of awkwardness came full force when they made eye-contact, Alec immediately retreating his gaze back to the mirror to arrange his bowtie. He _hated it_ , hated it so much, that feeling of being apart, and he sighed.

“We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing for us to talk about,” Alec coldly retorted, fixing his bowtie around his neck. Jace’s glance followed him to the bed as he grabbed the white jacket and put it on. He wondered why, in that moment, his heart beat a little too fast. In a moment, the heartbreak of the past weeks, their strain and the failure of their relationship resurfaced, and he saw everything as it was. Years and years in which he saw the eleven-year-old boy he first met go from being _alive_ to becoming a well-trained statue under the numerous pressures and rules placed upon him. He saw them as they were, fire and ice, rules and rebellion, realizing that they went out of touch a long time ago. He had thought the contrast was good and that it made them stronger, but it never came to him how the contrast came from Alec simply adapting to his rash behavior in order to balance themselves. It was his fault, that Alec had to lose himself for both of them to survive. It was because of him, because of his failure to see how his actions impacted the family who took him in. For years, Alec had his back, Alec fixed his messes and Alec had supported the consequences of his actions, and all because he was purely and utterly selfish. He never realized it, how much Alec gave up for him over all the years they grew up together, and he just felt  _so guilty._

Alec moved to leave the room, and Jace was conflicted. He would have liked to be able to help Alec destroy the walls he had built around himself with the rules as bricks, he wanted to help him fall apart and be himself, he _owed_ it to him after he basically _created_ those walls.

On the other hand, he knew it wouldn’t turn out for the better of either of them. No matter how much he would like to break Alec’s walls, they were so deeply ingrained in his conscience that the feeling of continuously breaking one of the biggest rules of the Clave would be terrible for him, along with the secrecy of their relationship, no matter how much Alec might think he loves him. To Jace, no matter the choice (it came down to him, once again), any outcome would result in pain, and the question came to simply which one would cause less. 

In the end, it was easier to convince himself that it was all just a phase for Alec and that he would get out of it, maybe with Magnus’ help, the warlock’s attraction obvious from the start. Undoubtedly, it would be better for Alec if he backed away.

The hand that rose to grab Alec’s bicep as he was moving to the door stopped in midair, the sound of the door closing suddenly too loud in the silence. He could _feel_ the hurt in Alec through their bond, but he couldn’t disappoint them one more time. Not even when he knew Alec wanted it, but for once he saw the bigger picture, and regardless of how much he wanted it himself, how he ached to fill that Alec shaped missing part of his heart, he couldn’t do that. 

The worst part of it was that even when he knew he made the right decision, it felt _so wrong_ , like he denied themselves the happiness, but it was too late. He couldn't keep back the tear that escaped his eye nor the punch that broke the wall. 


End file.
